At a Glance
- Mattering is the feeling that we are valued and needed, a key factor in mental well-being.
- The book introduces a mattering core that protects against anxiety and depression.
- Emily’s partnership with Justin shows how mattering builds deep, lasting bonds.
- Why it matters: Understanding mattering can help individuals and communities build resilience and purpose.
Feeling seen and needed is a human need older than civilization itself. In her new book Mattering: The Secret to a Life of Deep Connection and Purpose, author Jennifer Breheny Wallace argues that this feeling-what she calls mattering-is the foundation of mental health, relationships, and work satisfaction. Wallace spent six years interviewing people from all walks of life, and the pattern that emerged was clear: those who thrive have a mattering core.
The Concept of Mattering
- Mattering is the assurance that our presence and actions are significant to others.
- It is the pull you feel toward someone who genuinely appreciates you.
- It is the warm feeling when you see your efforts make a difference.
- Psychologists, sociologists, and philosophers agree that mattering is the feeling we are valued and have value to add.
Wallace explains that after basic survival needs are met, the drive to matter becomes the next priority. It fuels human behavior, from small acts of kindness to career choices.
The Mattering Core
A mattering core is an internal sense of being valued by family, friends, colleagues, and community. When strong, it:
- Grounds us and builds resilience.
- Helps us express appreciation in relationships.
- Reduces burnout at work by reinforcing the impact of our contributions.
- Provides a shared framework for understanding disconnection and suffering.
Wallace notes that many people report feeling invisible or powerless in modern life-whether a parent feeling invisible, a doctor dismissed by insurance, or an executive fearing irrelevance after retirement. The mattering core counters these feelings.
Real-World Example: Emily and Justin
Emily, a new data scientist in Boston, felt lonely after moving away from friends. She discovered Achilles International, an organization pairing guides with visually impaired athletes, and volunteered as a guide for Justin, a young man with muscular dystrophy.
Emily’s role began as a practical partnership: pacing Justin’s runs and offering encouragement. Over time, she:
- Adjusted training schedules to fit Justin’s work at a hotel.
- Researched balance techniques.
- Held him accountable for rest days.
The connection deepened. When Justin struggled on “Heartbreak Hill,” Emily felt his frustration. When he set a new personal record-05:31:38-she celebrated as if it were her own.
On race day, rain poured, and Justin suffered pain halfway through. Emily, determined, reached for his hand. For the next 13 miles, they ran hand-in-hand, adjusting to each other’s pace while battling the weather. When they crossed the finish line, Justin’s triumph felt like hers, and Emily’s tears mixed with rain.
Practical Ways to Build Mattering
Wallace calls on readers to become a cornerman-someone who offers time, talent, and treasure. Here’s how:
- Time: Offer a weekly walk to a friend who lost a loved one.
- Talent: Share a skill, such as marketing know-how, to help a friend launch a nonprofit.
- Treasure: Provide resources, like lending a car or office space.
The goal is to support others with whatever you have, fostering mutual care and connection.
The Impact on Mental Health and Community
Research cited in the book shows that a strong mattering core buffers against anxiety and depression. When people feel valued, they are less likely to experience mental health crises, especially among adolescents facing a culture of achievement.
At a societal level, mattering offers a shared language for addressing disconnection. Communities that nurture mattering can reduce burnout, improve teamwork, and create more inclusive environments.
Call to Action
Wallace urges readers to examine their own mattering core. Ask:
- Do I feel valued by my family and friends?
- Do I know how I add value to others’ lives?
- How can I become a cornerman in my community?
By answering these questions and taking small, intentional actions, individuals can rebuild their sense of purpose and strengthen the fabric of their communities.
Key Takeaways
- Mattering is the feeling of being valued and needed.
- A mattering core protects against mental health challenges.
- Real-world stories, like Emily and Justin, illustrate the power of mutual support.
- Practicing time, talent, and treasure builds stronger bonds.
- Nurturing mattering can transform personal resilience and community well-being.
Mattering is available now, wherever books are sold.
